Me: It can’t be your birthday every day.
Kid I babysit: Wendy, I’m four, ok? I know that. It’s once a month.
More foods should be negative calories based on desirability like celery. I suggest the end pieces of bread.
Letting a baby cry it out is a lot like playing hard to get. I’m bad at it.
I can’t believe how close I got to this church of Jehova’s Witnesses before I realized it is not a Safeway.
I feel like the guy on Bart in a karate outfit is not actually good at karate. It’s not cause he’s white. It’s cause I can see his pepper spray.
I think 7-11 has made 5/23 slurp-free day because it’s harder to remember than 7/11 was. I also think they should change their name from 7-11 to clever bastards.
I wanted to be considerate of my new 65 year old room mate, Thom’s morning routine so I asked him when he showered. Thom said, “Oh about once a week. Sometimes less.”
Me: Dude, is your alligator puppet trying to bite my chest?
Kid I babysit: No. That’s called a boobie.
Me: Do you have to pee?
Kid I babysit: No, I just hold my penis a lot. I don’t know why.
My tumblr is so much like me: sometimes funny and not much to look at.
I wonder if anyone would buy red gloves from me if I called them flaming hot cheeto retardant gloves. No, you’re retardant.
I didn’t know the snickers mcflurry was a limited time offer. I need to be alone.
I always tell the parents I babysit or to come home however late they want. I always regret it.
